Complete Lunacy: Short Stories
by ShyAnon
Summary: Fear not fair maiden! For I am here to smote this demons ass and fall in love with yours!" sayeth Dante. Story 4 - When Dante Met Marysue- Now Posted!
1. Story One: Gamers' Court

**I originally posted this set of stories a few months back, but was told the original format violated the rules so I pulled it. The few who got to see it in its original format liked it, so I decided to alter it to fit the rules for viewing by you guys. I liked these stories too much to not post them. If you want to see the original format (which I like better) then send me a message and I'll forward it along. :)**

**What follows are some skits I came up with to use in blogs I'd written a long while back. Most of them were inspired by friends, or DMC itself. All involve Dante.**

**The below "story" came about during a conversation I had with a good friend one day. He knows I'm a Dante buff and brought up the idea of Capcom suing me for lustful thoughts...lol Too much caffeine, and not enough sleep later came this.**

**The status is set to "In-Progress" because the madness didn't end here. There are a couple more of these rare moments of temporary insanity. I'm hoping I can reformat those without losing what I loved about them to begin with. Unfortunately it is late and I need to sleep rather than format them into a FF readable text.**

**So in other words, if you want to see the other two you'll have to tell me so to get um! R&R please.**

**Oh, and if you happen to know who Kirie is... then my secret identity has been blown! If not, then...cool. lol**

* * *

**Gamers' Court**

-Serious Music begins to play as an announcer speaks over it-

On today's episode of Gamers Court... He was an over the top demon hunter, she was a prim and proper blogger with a wild streak. But what happens when a gamer takes things too far? We'll find out now as court is now in session!

"Now, let me see if I've got this straight. The plaintiff, one Dante, "Devil May Cry" Sparda is asking for a restraining order against the defendant, one Kirie "Blog Mistress" RSM. Is this correct?" The Judge asks.

"Yes your honor..." Dante gives a nervous look over to Kirie, who puckers her lips at him.

"Well then, tell me what's been going on." The Judge says, sitting back in his chair.

Dante clears his throat poignantly. "Well your honor, I met the defendant while she was playing my game. I admit I was rather taken by her blatant advances towards me, and I've never been one to turn down the ladies... But, then she began playing my game almost persistently! I thought I'd be free when the Special Edition came out, figuring maybe I'd get a break as she played as my brother Vergil. B-but things were escalating. She ignored the Vergil side story completely! S-she only wanted the new game to make it easier for her to attain th-the shirtless Dante costume! She began beating the game over and over again! Before I knew it I was playing the game half naked!" Dante pauses when his voice suddenly cracks. "I-I'm sorry, this is hard for me..."

"Quite all right, take your time..."

"I-I figured that things would calm down, you know, she couldn't get anymore depraved... But, suddenly she discovered that in Mission 3 that I could fling around the pole in a strip club" Dante continues, breaking out into sobs when he is finished. Kirie only smirks deviously, as if she is thinking of it.

"...and then, one night s-she put me into the Sparda outfit and forced me t-to..." Dante stops suddenly, breaking down.

"He has a nice sword your honor" Kirie says, shrugging.

"OH GOD!!!" Dante cries out sobbing uncontrollably as Vergil tries to comfort him.

"Oh my... That's enough for right now. I'd like to hear from the defendant... if she'd stop winking at the plaintiff and his brother!" The Judge says, banging his gavel at Kirie.

"My bad! Sorry" Kirie says with an angelic smile.

"Well Ms. RSM, I have a copy of a warning letter from Capcom. Please read this out loud to the court." The Judge hands the letter to the bailiff, who hands it to Kirie. She clears her throat and begins to read.

_"Dear Ms. RSM, _

It has come to our attention that you have once again unwholesomely mishandled one of our Capcom characters. Under Gaming Law 2492 B that states no gamer is to date, sexually engage, or fondle our characters in any way. You have been warned a total of 57 times of this and yet you continued to harass Dante from Devil May Cry despite our letters and his own request that you stop.

We have told you in that past that failure to heed our warnings will result in prosecution of the harshest type. There fore we had no choice but to contact a lawyer and serve you with a court summons. We advise you not to contact our character further until the court date below, as we will be keeping tabs on your behavior till then and any offenses you may commit will be added to the lawsuit currently in process..."  
  
"Now Ms. RSM... I have a copy of all 57 warnings sent to you, as well as the additional 45 that were sent out AFTER you received this letter. Explain yourself! 

"Ok, it's like this your honor. Dante is hot..." Kirie replies.

"..."

"..."

"... is that your defense?" The Judge asks bewildered.

"Pretty much, I mean, c'mon! Look at him!"

"Oh God, she's undressing me with her eyes!" Dante wails as Vergil puts an arm on his shoulder.

"Wearing the red boxers again, aintcha?" Kirie grins demonically.

"Ms. RSM! Stop harassing the plaintiff!" The Judge yells at Kirie. She only rolls her eyes at him.

"I didn't do anything!" She mumbles.

"She was touching my no no spot!" Dante whispers, horrified.

"You weren't saying "no no" when I was, were ya?" :D

"BOTH of you, stop it! Now Ms. RSM, if you can't restrain yourself I'll have you removed from this courtroom. It will be very hard to defend yourself if you're not here to... defend yourself... :0/ " The Judge clears his throat. "Now... you only have this one chance to set the record straight. I won't accept the attractiveness of the plaintiff as a reason to harass him."

"Why?" Kirie asks.

"WHY?" The Judge repeats, pausing for a moment. "B-because, it's not relevant."

"So you think he's ugly?" She asks.

Dante looks up at the judge hurt.

"I didn't say that!" The Judge replies defensively.

"So you think he's hot too?" She presses.

"Well, he's attractive, yes... But that's not the..."

"AHA!!!" Kirie suddenly yells, pointing at the judge. "Dante's got you in his pocket! MISTRIAL!!! The judge is in love with the plaintiff!"

The Judge bangs his gavel wildly. "STOP THAT! You're putting words in my mouth."

"It's the red leather right?" Dante grins at Vergil. "Not even men can resist um!"

"THAT DOES IT! BALIFF, REMOVE THAT GIRL! This court rules in favor of the plaintiff, restraining order is set in place. For your own safety Ms. RSM I am remanding you to seek psychological help so you're not a threat to yourself or any other games character."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO, Dante!!!" Kirie jumps on Dante but is pulled away screaming. "I'll always love you, we were meant for one another!!! I'll get out and come for you baby, wait for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

Dante is traumatized, as well as the rest of the courtroom.

**-In some padded room-**

Kirie sits alone, a stack of games next to her that feature Chibi humans or non human characters as part of her "therapy" to not get the hots for them anymore

"Oh yes Dante, you're a cute puppy aren't you?! Catch the ball boy, go get it!" Kirie plays Nintendogs on her DS but soon gets bored and turns it off. She begins sifting through the PS2 games and comes upon a box with no cover. "How'd this get in here?"

She puts disc into Playstation 2 and sits in waiting. Suddenly a characters internal monologue begins to play.  
_  
I received special training via a secret organization working under the direct control of the president. I was to assume the responsibility of protecting the new president's family._

Kirie looks dreamily at the character before her. "Well... HELLLOOOO LEON!!!" She grins as she gets an evil glint in her eyes.

The end?

**Coming up, Dante Double Trouble. Want to see it? R&R!**


	2. Story Two: Dante Double Trouble

**This next one is a bit shorter, but I enjoyed writing it just the same. It came along when I read the issue of Game Informer with Nero (DMC4) on the cover. Of course at the time I didn't **_**know**_** it was Nero, I thought it was Dante...lol After reading the article (and getting pumped for the release of 4) I knew I had to blog.**

**Like so many other blogs, I had felt like writing a skit to go along with it. The result is this. Ahem, obviously Dante dropped the restraining order...lol Enjoy!**

**Just an FYI, I wasn't told I HAD to take down these stories originally, but I was a noob and didn't want to break any rules of the website. It was actually a fellow reader who pointed out the format issue. No worries, and again if you want to see this in its original format then send me a message. :)**

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**Dante Double Trouble**

Kirie arrives home to find her PS2 is missing and in it's place is a PS3. "Uhhhh, Dante, you home?"

"In the kitchen!" Dante calls in an odd voice.

Kirie walks into the kitchen and finds Dante clad in different clothing. "What's with the costume change?"

"Ohhh, you know, trying out new clothes for Devil May Cry 4!" He says with a nervous look.

"Uh, huh... Wait, are you taller?" Kirie asks, eyeing him closely.

"M-me?" Dante mocks a cough. "Not at all! Must be these new boots..."

"When did you learn how to cook? For that matter, what the hell is up with your arm?"

Dante tucks a bandaged arm further into his coat. "Nothing, just sprained it is all..."

"Is that a sling?! But Devil's don't stay injured!"

"O-oh! Well, you see, uhh, that's right! But I haven't used my Devil trigger yet so, you know... OH! Pot roast is done!" Dante makes himself busy.

"Dante, I DEMAND to know what's going on!"

Suddenly the front door is heard opening and a familiar voice calls out. "Kirie, I'm home!"

"DANTE?!" Kirie asks confused as she looks at the Dante clone who is glancing nervously around.

The real Dante enters the room and stops dead looking at the stranger. "W-what are _you_ doing here?!"

"Oh, uhh, heh, just thought I'd make myself useful... You know, try and get into your shoes a bit for DMC4..." The Dante double replies.

"WHAT?!?! Dante who is this guy!?" Kirie asks.

Dante sighs deeply before turning to her. "Kirie, sweetheart... You'd better sit down..." He ushers her to a chair.

"D-Dante?" She asks, looking at him with unsure eyes.

"I didn't want to have to tell you this soon, but I guess I have no choice... I've got some good news and some bad news... Good news is, remember how upset you got over those images from DMC4 of me?" He asks.

"Uh...huh?"

"Well, _yay_, they revamped the game so no more Mick Jagger looking Dante!"

"Well, that's a relief..." (LMAO!)

"...yeah, well now the bad news." Dante clears his throat before continuing. "Capcom and I had a very long talk about where we wanted to go with DMC4, and in the end we decided that..." Dante looks nervously at Kirie. "...well that is to say... I _won't_ be the main character of # 4..."

"WWHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!" Kirie shrieks before standing up, knocking the chair into the wall on the other side of the room, and making a gaping hole in the wall. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! _YOU_ ARE DEVIL MAY CRY!! I'LL KILL CAPCOM, KIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!!"

"Baby, calm down! It's OK I'm still _in_ the game!" Dante says in what he hopes is a reassuring tone.

"Y-you are?" She asks, sniffing her nose.

Dante pulls over the double towards them. "T-this is Nero, he'll be the main character of the new game, and while he's only a rookie he's got Hiroyuki Kobayashi to back him up..."

Kirie only stares at Dante with a questioning look.

"The producer for the original DMC and RE4..."

"Resident Evil 4..." Kirie says thoughtfully. "I wonder what Leon is upto..."

"Ok! You don't have to threaten me like that!" Dante growl's at the mention of _that_ name.

Kirie glares at him. "Who says it's a threat?!"

"Excuse me guys, but I promise to do my very best to kick ass in the game. Look!" Nero unwraps his arm to reveal that it appears to be possessed. "Check this baby out!" He reaches into the bedroom across the hall and grabs Kirie a flower out of a vase. "See?" Nero hands it to her with a boyish smirk.

Kirie drools. "I'm sold! Although, I _may_ need some alone time with Zero..."

"It's Nero..." Nero corrects.

"Yeah, whatever, to you know show him the "ropes". Dante, you got the pot roast right?" Kirie asks as she leads Nero out of the kitchen.

"HEY! H-he isn't even a DEVIL! Ask him about Devil Trigger! GO on, ASK HIM! KIRIE COME BACK!!!"

* * *

**Anyone noticing the reaccuring Leon Kennedy gag? lol It's about to get worse! Part 3, the grand finale, coming soon...**

**-Shy**


	3. Story Three: Another Damned Triangle!

**It took me forever to get here, but I finally made it. Thanks for supporting all my stories, even these totally cracked out parodies...lol Sometimes I wonder what I'm on, seriously. No better proof than this below!**

**Any who, this next one was influenced by the movie "The English Patient". I was watching it at 1 am, and it got me thinking about love triangles...lol So I decided to write my own using game characters. You'll notice some author comments, so bare in mind how late it was...lol I couldn't help myself!**

**This was the first skit I ever did for a blog and it is my favorite of them all. It's the first time Kirie appeared in a skit of mine, and it triggered the ones to come (two previous skits). This one not only involves Dante, but Leon Kennedy (who I've hinted at in the two previous skits). He obviously gets a much bigger part this time around. As well as a small silent cameo from Gerard Butler...lmao!**

**Please note Leon Kennedy is extremely OOC and is so for parody purposes only. I'm a huge Resident Evil fan, and Leon comes a close second to Dante in my book...lol So don't think I'm hating on him, he's just here to spice things up! Enjoy!**

* * *

**Another Damned Triangle**

**Act One**

Kirie and Leon are alone in some God awful tent in the middle of a desert for no real apparent reason other than Leon really needs to go back to being a rookie cop, and stop thinking the government has anything else better for him to do now that he has rescued the president's daughter. (Actually, he tossed her off the ski-doo shortly after the game ended for propositioning him..lmao)

**"**It was only another two miles, I should have had more patience." Leon sighs.

**"**I know, I know, but at least now we can spend more time together!" Kirie replies so totally happy in love with her brave ex-RCPD member.

**"**They might take me out on assignment again, I've been hearing things..."

**"**The voices in your head don't count darling..." Kirie says gently.

**"**Oh..."

**"**Let's not think on it now, instead let's make out in the way married people do because we've been married for so many years now and have grown so comfortable with one another that nothing really surprises us in the bedroom anymore."

**"**Ok!" Leon replies happily as he makes out with Kirie in a very dull manor. In fact the love scene is so dull, we'll skip to the next day (they always do in these cases!)

**Next Day**

**"**Darling! I've been given a new assignment!" Leon says happily as he skips in.

**"**I told you about the voices..."

**"**No, seriously this time! The President is sending me to hell to locate Osama Bin Laden!"

"But you haven't heard the best part yet! I have a partner!!" Leon says as he does a jig.

**"**A partner? Leon, you know you don't play well with others, I mean, remember Ashley?"

**"**I think I can hold my own..." a strange voice calls from seemingly nowhere. Except it would have to be from somewhere, or else this story would make no sense. Well, technically it doesn't anyway, so in theory I should just shut up and let the others do the talking for me.

"Thank you," the stranger says to the omnipotent author.

"You're welcome," responds said omnipotent author.

Leon and Kirie turn as a man appears in the flap of the tent. Tall, decked in red leather, silvery white hair, and piercing blue eyes appear out of the darkness. Despite the lack of wind inside the tent his hair is tousled in a sexy way as is his uber heavy leather trench.

Kirie ogles him.

Leon Jigs again.

Stranger growls.

Kirie wets herself.

**"**Dante I presume?" Leon asks cheerfully.

**"**Yeah, you'll do fine." Dante says as he tosses Leon his jacket. "Sooo, you must be Mrs. Dante..." He says seductively as he eyes Kirie up and down. Kirie melts into a puddle at his feet. (clean up on isle 7!)

"So, what are we doing and how soon can we leave?" Leon says completely oblivious.

**"**Whenever, is she coming too?" Dante says totally ogling Mrs. Kennedy.

**"**My wife? To hell? Sure, why not! Maybe we can all be separated in some coincidental way leaving you two alone and me once again completely oblivious..." Leon replies.

**"**Ohhhh yeaaahh.." Dante growls as sexy music plays. -bow chika bow bow- (Don't laugh at my sexy music!)

**Act Two**  
(ahhhh almost 2 am!!)

So our threesome (sickos!) depart to hell in some long montage somehow detailing how they manage to do this (because it's 2 am and reality flew out the minute I began writing this). Dante keeps ogling Kirie, Kirie keeps playing the coy faithful wife all while _allowing_ Dante to ogle her goodies at every turn without rebuking him, and poor Leon remains oblivious. So happy he finally has a job, and such an upright partner.

**"**You're cool" Leon chuckles at Dante, looking at him as if he were a fan girl.

**"**You really need a day job..." Dante replies with a raised eyebrow.

Kirie sits looking out the window of their hell hotel at all the torment and darkness with a serene and dramatic look on her face. Trying desperately to not notice the 8 foot Adonis still ogling her from across the room in plain view of her hubby.

**"**Anyone up for the 20 questions... I spy with my lil eye..." Leon says looking everywhere but at the obvious.

Dante walks over to Kirie and tries to start up a conversation, but figures eyes speak louder than words, and, you know, touching and stuff.

"I'm married you know" Kirie says coyly.

"Well duh... Think I'd be _this_ interested if you weren't. I'm a free spirit, and your coy pulling awayness is just making me want you more!" Dante says with a rakish smile.

"Oh Dante, you confuse me so! You blatantly act like an ass in front of my hubby to get my attention, but in private you're so sweet. Like when you carved a smiley into that bone you found in the desert with your enormous knife... Oh..." Kirie says dramatically throwing the back of her hand against her forehead.

"Uhh, yeah, found...heh" Dante replies nervously.

"The red lips were a nice touch, and it did smell god awful, but oh! I'm so confused!" Kirie manages before running off to her room like a sissy.

"Well, do you think something is the matter?" Leon asks, yet again, oblivious. Dante only shrugs.

Then some dude enters the room.

"Sir, we think we've located Osama." says some dude.

"Oh skippy! I had better go, Dante will you look after Kirie for a while? I may be gone a few days, even an entire month and I hate to leave her alone. I trust you're the best person to take care of my wife!" Leon says cheerfully.

"... :0)" Emotes Dante.

"It's settled then! Off I go! Please let Kirie know." With that Leon leaves with no hesitations.

Dante grins...

Kirie dramatizes in her room.

So, many many many opportunities arise for our two lovers to get freakay, but Kirie is still being a dutiful and faithful wife which kills the mood each time. Not to mention Dante is considering _blue_ as his new favorite color -ahem-

She avoids him, he tracks her down like some predatory beast and the sexual tension goes through the roof. Then, like a moron Kirie decides to go visit Dante...in his room...at night...wearing practically nothing...the kind of nightwear even her husband would disapprove of (and considering how oblivious he is this is saying quite a bit).

Dante's room is red and sexy... Dante's fireplace is roaring... Kirie's nightie appears to be collapsible.

So our two young lovers get their groove on in some majorly passionate and over dramatized way. Kirie passes out several times due to shortness of breath and by the time it's over both of them have advanced forms of brain damage.

**Act 3**

So, the marathon continues between what's right and wrong and all that jazz. Dante pretty much uses her for his own sexual gratification and she doesn't seem to mind one bit.

"Do you love me?" Kirie asks after one such brain damaging love fest.

"...ZZZZzzzzzZZZzzz" Dante replies.

"We could elope! It would be sooo romantic!" Kirie squeals.

"ZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZ"

"Our life together will be so great"

"ZzzzzzZZZzzzZZ" Dante snores and then rolls over for a change of pace.

After a while Leon finally returns from his assignment.

"Wow, you smell like Dante! You two must be best friends by now!" Leon exclaims.

"Darling, there's something I must tell you..." Kirie says nervously biting her lip and looking at Dante.

"?" Leon emotes.

"Well, Dante and I have been sleeping together..." she offers gently.

"...and?" Leon asks.

"We've been having sex!" She blurts out.

"So you're trying to tell me...?"

"You know, sex? Making love, knockin boots?"

Kirie draws him a diagram. Leon only scratches his head, so Kirie tries hand puppets to no avail as Leon gives her a slow look. She finally throws her hands up in the air and starts making out with Dante. It takes him a minute but...

"Wait! So you're trying to tell me that this whole time you two have been practicing mouth to mouth?! Well, at least you know it! Better safe than sorry!" He finally says, so proud he's figured it all out.

"We're in LOVE you moron! We're going to get married and there's nothing you can do to stop us!" Kirie shouts at him.

"Whhhoooaaa, hold on there... I never said I'd marry you." Dante interjects.

"Whaaa?! What about last night!" Kirie exclaims.

"It doesn't count _during_," he whispers to her.

"Oh...," she says crestfallen.

"Well! You're _my _wife! I won't have it! We're going home as soon as possible!" Leon finally says standing up for himself! You go boy!

"Wait, you still want her?" Dante asks surprised.

"Of course! She's my beloved!" Leon replies loyally.

"Come away with me my love!" Dante says turning towards Kirie and opening his arms to her.

"Hey, you stop that! I challenge you!" Leon hisses as he pulls out a dueling sword.

Leon and Dante fight in a highly choreographed and stylized way that is too out of budget for me to actually write in more detail. Just simply picture any scene from the Resident Evil series or Devil May Cry and come back when you've had your fill. Go on, I can wait... Although I will apologize in advance if any dialogue from RE1, or DMC1 happen to come to mind. Blame Capcom, you'll feel better.

"We're fighting over here!"

Kirie sighs to herself and wonders _What the hell am I doing? _before whistling to get both of their attentions. The two stop mid fight.

"Guys, guys... Leon, you're a good man, but you're a lil too moronic for me. Dante, you're fine as hell, but your idea of a relationship really sucks when we're not, you know, going at each other. Neither one of you can make me happy..." Kirie says truthfully as the both stare at her in astonishment.

Out of nowhere a motorcycle appears with a helmet wearing rider in all black leather. Kirie's collapsible dress does its thing to reveal a dominatrix outfit complete with stilettos.

"I need a _real_ man." Kirie says as she takes off the biker's helmet.

-Add in one sexy Gerard Butler Pic that can't be put here because Fanfiction net doesn't support it, therefore making it evil in the eyes of said omnipotent author-

"Come on Gerry, let's go..." Kirie says as she gets on the bike. The two ride off into the sunset.

"I can't believe she left me! I mean ME! C'mon!" Dante says outraged.

"I know! And I'm pregnant with her child!" Leon cries attempting to put his head on Dante's shoulder.

"Duuuddeee, that's fucked up!"

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**Believe it or not, there may be a part 4! Inspired by this very website... We'll see!**


	4. Story Four: When Marysue Met Dante

**Unless you've read my very early reviews from Bleed For Me you might not know that I was... FLAMED...lmao It was only once, but obviously it left a lasting impression. After I was flamed I wrote the below to give myself a giggle.**

**I have written two OC characters, so I can appreciate all the good they can bring to a story. However even I can see obvious traits of a Marysue, and hell MY characters might have some of those traits as well. Regardless I find the whole thing funny, and in a way I'm poking fun at my own fiction here too...lol**

**So this is in dedication to ALL fiction writers in this section. It's for the OCers who write good OC's but sadly get bypassed because of the stigma attached to OC characters. This is for the Mary Sue writers, and the Marysue haters. Yes, even you noble flamers. Flame on dudes, flame on...**

**Because this oneshot was inspired by the wonderful combination of all unique viewpoints... and a lot of caffiene. :D**

* * *

**When Marysue Met Dante**

Marysue was a sweet, charming, vivacious, beautiful, independent, kind, loving, did we mention beautiful(?) young girl. Wherever she went there was trouble a foot all a result of her dark, mysterious past! (dun dun dunnnn!)

One day Marysue went walking.

"I'm walking!" said Marysue.

Then suddenly Marysue was attacked!

"I'm being attacked!" said Marysue.

"Grrrr, I'm attacking you!" Growls the uber scary monster.

Then suddenly, from seemingly nowhere came Dante! Leaping onto the scene like a good hero should!

"Fear not fair maiden! For I am here to smote this demons ass and fall in love with yours!" sayeth Dante.

"My hero!"

So a really long battle ensues, but it's not worth talking about so much as how Marysue felt at that exact moment. Her conflicting emotions! Ohhhh, the angst as she gazed upon the white haired Adonis! His ass was nice too…

When Dante finished smotething the demon in question, who magically disappeared from the scene, he runs to Marysue to take her away to his dreamy palace o' love. But just then…. VERGIL appears!

"Oh noes!" gasps Marysue.

"I am brooding, grrrr" broods Vergil.

"Hot damn, his brood is pretty sexy… grrr back baby." swoons Marysue.

"Don't worry my sweet Marysue! For our love will vanquish all….!" Dante pauses.

Vergil and Marysue are suddenly making out.

"WTF? She's mine!" Dante yells.

"Mine biatch!" Vergil replies as he pokes Dante with his sword.

"MINE!" Retaliates Dante with a poke back.

Marysue just swoons at the overwhelming amount of angst.

And so, in the end our Marysue bedded and wedded both half demons. There were kids, happiness and bliss!

And then a bolt of lightning struck their house and all of them died horrible deaths.

The end!?


End file.
